As a blogger I'm required by law to produce an end of the year, 'Best of 2010' list. I had no idea about this until late yesterday afternoon I got an email from President Obama reminding me of my obligation. He said, "Mr. Sharp, I've been scanning all the blogs in the U.S. and it seems the only two blogs that have not completed their 'Best of 2010' posts are you and a tiny blog by a guy who can play the National Anthem entirely by cracking his knuckles. I'm in Hawaii right now but I've taken my laptop with me and am checking every couple of hours. Please complete your list as soon as possible so I may focus on making sure Dick Clark is ready for New Year's Eve."
I had no idea the president was such a micro-manager. So in order to keep the feds off my case, here goes.
Best of 2010
Best dog that isn't mine: Olive, the French bulldog
Best cat that isn't mine: none
Best TV show recommended to me by my daughter: 'Modern Family'
Best beer: Great Lakes Dortmunder Gold (that was the 2009 winner too)
Best vodka: Still Water made in a Canadian micro distillery by (shameless promotion alert) my daughter's boyfriend's father.
Best restaurant discovery: The Crossings in Aurora down by the tracks.
Best movie: Harry Potter 7-A
Best drum solo: 'Grandfather's Drum,' performed by me in the summer concert season of the Trinity Concert Band.
Best clarinet accompaniment on 'Grandfather's Drum': Barry Simpson.
Best wife: Mine, for 28 years running
Best kids: Not mine.
Best kids at tolerating dad's "humor": Mine
Best episode of 'Rescue Me': The one where Tommy gets drunk and really screws things up...wait, that's all of them.
Best blog: I cannot name it because it contains a word that is not in keeping with the family nature of this blog, plus it's pretty much defunct. It was a shooting star.
Best TV show that was on for a really long time and finally ended: 'At the Movies'
Best Second Best TV show that ended: '24'
Best outpatient surgery: I'm sorry but HIPA prevents me from disclosing.
Best 'Glee' moment: Do I seem like someone who watches 'Glee?'
Best confession: I AM someone who watches 'Glee.'
Best 'Glee' character: Brittany
Best Best Dressed Best Man to go into a Best Buy with his BFF: Unfortunately there were no entrants in this category
So Mr. President, I hope you're happy. And let me know if you need a place to board Bo. We do require all the shots be current, and we can allow up to three Secret Service personnel to sleep in the kennel with him. They would totally make my 2011 Best of list under the category Best Guys With Semi-Automatic Weapons to Sleep in the Corner on a Pile of Blankets.
What used to be one thing is now another.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Dogs are like the Ferengi
I get these daily emails with helpful tips about dogs and cats, some of which I've shared. I've also linked them over there on the right so you can get them too. Anyway, the other day one of them explained why dogs love having their ears stroked, and being the geek that I am, I immediately thought of the Ferengi. Now you Trekkers know what I'm talking about, but for those who do not I'm afraid that I'm not going to explain because, well, I've linked it, plus I feel that everyone should be well versed in Star Trek: The Next Generation (TNG). If ever you ask me if you should do something and I say, "Make it so, Number One,' you should not look at me as though I'm from another planet, (like Betazed or Cardassia.) You should just immediately do that thing with the utmost efficiency, then report back to me wearing a form-fitting red uniform. And if there is the slightest problem you should call out, "Red alert, shields up" and we can brace for impact together.
The Ferengi love having their ears stroked, and while for Ferengi it's got a whole other wrinkle that we won't get into here, so do dogs. I discovered this with our dobe, Ty, about whom I already posted. Most dobes have their ears cropped, but we elected to leave his ears long, which detracted from the whole Killer Dobe Vibe were were kind of going for, and made him look...well, goofy. But endearing. And leaving them long didn't mean he just had regular ears, he had huge ears. You could cover both eyes with one ear. You could almost tie them into a knot above his head. And they were soft and often so very warm, and it was a pleasure stroking them.
He loved having them stroked. If you started on his ears he would stand there forever, or until one of the cats darted across the room, or there was something to bark at outside, or a wisp of air made his food bowl vibrate. But otherwise, forever. And one night while I was watching a Star Trek TNG re-run and petting his ears, there was a Ferengi scene where they were getting their ears stroked, and I decided that the Star Trek TNG writers must have had a floppy eared dobe, or a basset hound. And I recall actually calling him a Ferengi (yes I am THAT geeky).
So the next time you're petting your dog, check out his ears. And if it's for the first time., go ahead, explore new soft spots and new sources of pleasure; boldly pet where no one has petted before. But never, and I repeat, never get into a business deal with a Ferengi.
The Ferengi love having their ears stroked, and while for Ferengi it's got a whole other wrinkle that we won't get into here, so do dogs. I discovered this with our dobe, Ty, about whom I already posted. Most dobes have their ears cropped, but we elected to leave his ears long, which detracted from the whole Killer Dobe Vibe were were kind of going for, and made him look...well, goofy. But endearing. And leaving them long didn't mean he just had regular ears, he had huge ears. You could cover both eyes with one ear. You could almost tie them into a knot above his head. And they were soft and often so very warm, and it was a pleasure stroking them.
He loved having them stroked. If you started on his ears he would stand there forever, or until one of the cats darted across the room, or there was something to bark at outside, or a wisp of air made his food bowl vibrate. But otherwise, forever. And one night while I was watching a Star Trek TNG re-run and petting his ears, there was a Ferengi scene where they were getting their ears stroked, and I decided that the Star Trek TNG writers must have had a floppy eared dobe, or a basset hound. And I recall actually calling him a Ferengi (yes I am THAT geeky).
So the next time you're petting your dog, check out his ears. And if it's for the first time., go ahead, explore new soft spots and new sources of pleasure; boldly pet where no one has petted before. But never, and I repeat, never get into a business deal with a Ferengi.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Old Blue
Here is a wonderfully written little thing about a girl and her dog in a journal called McSweeney's.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
The Mambo Kings Play Songs of Love
Goodreads is a website where you can keep track of the books you've read, are reading, or intend to read, and also share in the book reading experiences of your friends and others. Each month they send a newsletter. Here is how their latest newsletter started out:
Dear John,
You started reading
The Mambo Kings Play Songs of Love
857 days ago.
Update your progress.
Since you asked.
Dear Goodreads,
857 days ago I read the first couple of chapters, which were just fine, especially that section about the father and uncle being on the ‘I Love Lucy’ show, then the book got lost in a pile of old newspapers for a couple of weeks. By the time I found it, I’d already finished another book and was in the middle of yet another, so I set it on my To Read shelf for later.
A brief word about my To Read shelf: items that go onto the shelf seldom come off the shelf. I buy books I’m pretty sure I’ll never read. That’s not entirely true. At the time I’m certain I’ll get to all of them, just as I’m certain that one day I’ll finish cleaning out the garage, but sitting here now I can safely admit that the chances are slim. For the books that is; I still have hope for the garage.
One of my problems is that the library sells used book for 50 cents apiece, and I can’t help myself. Stay away from the library, you say? Clearly you’ve never met me. And even if I could, there are still Borders and the Learned Owl, and even WalMart for crying out loud. Books are everywhere. And many of them are on my To Read shelf, stacked in front of ‘The Mambo Kings Play Songs of Love.’
Flash forward several months. I decided to clean my shelves in preparation for house guests. I picked up ‘Mambo Kings’ and said, “There you are,” and set it next to my chair. That night I started it again, and again I enjoyed the part where the father and the uncle went on the ‘I Love Lucy’ show. Then my wife gave me ‘The Book Thief’ and I decided to read it first because it’s Young Adult and I’m in the process of writing a YA novel. So between the time I started ‘The Book Thief’ and the time that our house guest arrived, ‘Mambo Kings’ was once again relegated to the To Read shelf. Or so I thought.
Your email reminder, Goodreads, is oddly timed. Just the other day I found ‘Mambo Kings’ in the kitchen on a shelf with recipe books. I have no idea how it got there but I will offer this conjecture: I had it in my hand, intending to put it on the To Read shelf, but in my hand were also several other items I was cleaning off my chair-side table, like an old sports section, a dirty fork, and a list of things I was supposed to remember to buy three months ago. I began carrying these things to other rooms for proper disposition, and then I got a text from my son. I set down the book, the sports section, the fork and the list, and replied. Then I left everything on the kitchen table and got myself something to drink. Later that day my wife threw away the list, put the fork in the dishwasher, and stuffed the book onto the first shelf she could find because she didn’t feel like tracking me down to ask where it should go.
So now ‘The Mambo Kings Play Songs of Love’ is once again on my To Read shelf, because my glasses prescription is sadly out of date and the extra effort needed to read makes me sleepy. I have an appointment with the optometrist but that’s not for a couple of weeks. In the mean time I’m just going to rent the movie.
Yours,
John Sharp
Dear John,
You started reading
The Mambo Kings Play Songs of Love
857 days ago.
Update your progress.
Since you asked.
Dear Goodreads,
857 days ago I read the first couple of chapters, which were just fine, especially that section about the father and uncle being on the ‘I Love Lucy’ show, then the book got lost in a pile of old newspapers for a couple of weeks. By the time I found it, I’d already finished another book and was in the middle of yet another, so I set it on my To Read shelf for later.
A brief word about my To Read shelf: items that go onto the shelf seldom come off the shelf. I buy books I’m pretty sure I’ll never read. That’s not entirely true. At the time I’m certain I’ll get to all of them, just as I’m certain that one day I’ll finish cleaning out the garage, but sitting here now I can safely admit that the chances are slim. For the books that is; I still have hope for the garage.
One of my problems is that the library sells used book for 50 cents apiece, and I can’t help myself. Stay away from the library, you say? Clearly you’ve never met me. And even if I could, there are still Borders and the Learned Owl, and even WalMart for crying out loud. Books are everywhere. And many of them are on my To Read shelf, stacked in front of ‘The Mambo Kings Play Songs of Love.’
Flash forward several months. I decided to clean my shelves in preparation for house guests. I picked up ‘Mambo Kings’ and said, “There you are,” and set it next to my chair. That night I started it again, and again I enjoyed the part where the father and the uncle went on the ‘I Love Lucy’ show. Then my wife gave me ‘The Book Thief’ and I decided to read it first because it’s Young Adult and I’m in the process of writing a YA novel. So between the time I started ‘The Book Thief’ and the time that our house guest arrived, ‘Mambo Kings’ was once again relegated to the To Read shelf. Or so I thought.
Your email reminder, Goodreads, is oddly timed. Just the other day I found ‘Mambo Kings’ in the kitchen on a shelf with recipe books. I have no idea how it got there but I will offer this conjecture: I had it in my hand, intending to put it on the To Read shelf, but in my hand were also several other items I was cleaning off my chair-side table, like an old sports section, a dirty fork, and a list of things I was supposed to remember to buy three months ago. I began carrying these things to other rooms for proper disposition, and then I got a text from my son. I set down the book, the sports section, the fork and the list, and replied. Then I left everything on the kitchen table and got myself something to drink. Later that day my wife threw away the list, put the fork in the dishwasher, and stuffed the book onto the first shelf she could find because she didn’t feel like tracking me down to ask where it should go.
So now ‘The Mambo Kings Play Songs of Love’ is once again on my To Read shelf, because my glasses prescription is sadly out of date and the extra effort needed to read makes me sleepy. I have an appointment with the optometrist but that’s not for a couple of weeks. In the mean time I’m just going to rent the movie.
Yours,
John Sharp
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